Why is it that I'm so tired of being alone, but I just want to be left alone?
I don't want to die. I also want to stop trying to live up to what everyone else needs. some days I just want to be a fucking hermit.
but I get lonely. and then I text him. and help him feel better about himself and all his problems. where are my phone calls? my friend, who "cares for me" has NEVER lifted the phone to call me and inquire about my day. why can't I let go? I don't need him. I don't need anyone. I watch tv and wait for the day to rewind and start over. therapy didn't help. I couldn't tell the truth. that I am sad and incomplete all of the time. I want more but im scared. I've never had good friends that actually asked me about how I am. just the casual polite greeting before we're back on them.
I cared so much and still so for him. I also hate him. he is blind and can't see that he tortured me. he is in "love" with a whore. she drags him along on purple. I am disgusted by the whole thing but its like a murder scene....I can't stop watching. investigating. trying to figure out what I did wrong.
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I want to live here! but with sensible windows and doors to prevent drafts. I hate super high bills!